I’ve seen complaints recently, in the form of photos of crying children on Social media, about the lack of a paddling pool in Worthing, about the fact the Splash Pad hasn’t been turned on yet, that the cafes near the Pavilion aren’t open.

THAT THERE IS NOTHING for young children to do for free in this town anymore. Screw the Sea, they say with pcitures of scrunched faced, salty-cheeked kiddiwinks. I’m here to help, because I know of plenty of ‘very exciting things’ for your kids to get up to.

1) Go to the beach, and play ‘throw a rock at another rock’. This is a self explanatory game that will keep the kids entertained for up to 7 minutes. Get a rock, then throw that rock at another rock. Repeat this until it gets dark and you have completely lost your mind.

2) Stand near a tree. There is PLENTY of council provided trees that your children can stand near any time of the day or night. DO NOT climb these trees however, there is no insurance in place for broken bones or genuine childhood joy.

3) Dig a hole. Now you might think you’d need a spade to make this happen, but no. You see all those rocks on the beach? Just find a flat one of those, and then dig into the earth. Make the hole as big as you can but remember to replace all the dirt you remove where you found it.

4) Join a gang. There’s nothing more trendy these days then joining up to the local group of ruffians and vagabonds. Simply draw a teardrop tattoo on your child’s face with eyeliner, then send them on their merry way. Application forms for gangs are usually available from the toughest looking guy in the group.

5) Write naughty words in chalk on the promenade. I like the word bottyheckingwillyfizz.

So next time you complain there’s nothing provided for young children to do in Worthing, think again. You just have to think outside the box, or in this case, the Pad. See you next time, Bard Brains, Cheers.